A Word from The Bitch

With all of life's ups and downs, trials and tribulations, and [insert cliches ad nauseam], we all need a kind soul to hear us out and tell us everything is going to be okay. You're still as pretty at 31 as you were at 22, your boobs aren't really microscopic, and your inability to maintain a healthy relationship is 100% TheJerk's fault.

Well, you've heard enough of that claptrap. No more placating bullshit. The truth is: your skin looks haggard (put on some sunscreen for god's sake), your boobs are altogether pre-pubescent (calm down, someone will still want to play with them), and you are the psycho ex with relationship damning self-esteem issues.

Now, wasn't that refreshing?

Anyone who tiptoes around the truth to spare your delicate feelings doesn't actually give a shit. Don't worry. I give a shit. And will most certainly give you plenty of it.

Your worthless, simpering friends and Dear Abby are OUT. For all the lovelorn and the lost, The Bitch is IN.

Kisses,
The Bitch

The Bitch on Hotness Levels

Dear Bitch,

Please settle an argument for me. My guy friend and I were at a bar and a guy came up to me and asked me for my number. I said no because I didn't think the guy was up to my level physically, intellectually and personality-wise. My friend thought my reasoning was shallow and mean, but he doesn't think it is wrong when he dismisses a girl who's not his type. What do you think about levels? Am I horrible to acknowledge they exist? Is it so wrong that I reject guys beneath mine?

Sincerely,
Level-headed


Level-headed,

The only validation I can give you is that you are, indeed, incredibly shallow. Then again, so are we all. In the words of Jane Austen's most vile literary villain, Mr. Elton, "Everybody has their level." From 19th-century drawing room drama to the modern-day bar scene, the mating dance remains the same. We all want the hottest, funniest, smartest and most completely superior person in the room to be ours. Many of us aim too high and face rejection, others aim too low and accept defeat; it's all a part of an inevitable filtering process as we learn to size up our relative worth and barter ourselves off like just another widget.

At this point, I could choose to take you along a pseudo-intellectual path, tossing out kernels about Darwinian theory, eugenics or perhaps something trite about evolution as a means of explaining what it is about human nature that makes us so sexually selective. But let's be real. Understanding the biological roots of this behavior is irrelevant. Instead, let's examine how to accurately determine your own level so that you'll never have to settle for a lesser mortal than you deserve.

Assuming one's level is the sum of one's parts, it logically follows that our first step should be to separately evaluate your physical attractiveness, intellectual capacity and personality appeal. Here is my highly scientific, foolproof system for determining your level:

THE "HOW HOT ARE YOU REALLY?" TEST
Attractiveness. Consider your overall physical package. Rate yourself on a scale of 1 – 10. The highest number being Megan Fox (circa the first Transformers before she started spewing nonsense in interviews) and Tom Cruise (circa A Few Good Men, 1992) and the lowest number being mid-overdose Courtney Love and Ed Hardy-clad Jon Gosselin. If you have low self-esteem, no problem. That will lower your score on paper, reflecting your inability to score in life.

Intelligence. Effectively evaluate your intelligence. You probably think you're a lot smarter than you are, so check out the free Classic IQ test offered online at http://web.tickle.com/tests. If you don't break triple digits, console yourself by pulling out your SAT scores – guaranteed to hit 200 just by filling in your name with a No. 2 pencil.

Personality. Calculate the worth of your personality. Count your friends. The fewer you have, the more dull you are. If you recently lost all your friends because of a drunken fight or some other reprehensible behavior on your part, give yourself the negative score you deserve.

Now, add up your scores. Done? Good job, you just reinforced the fact that you are incredibly shallow and totally beneath my level.

Survey says: you suck.

Bullshit aside, it should now be evident that it is impossible to evaluate one's worth by holding someone up to an arbitrary set of standards – in a bar, no less. While all our traits are quantifiable, our subjectivity skews the data. You might think you look like Giselle, while I might compare you to Little Orphan Annie. IQ tests can't measure street smarts, emotional intelligence or anything much at all, really. Personalities are so complex there is no identifiable marker for making an objective judgment.

The next time you go out, take my advice: be polite, don't squash someone's self-worth and of course, forget about levels. A bar environment is superficial enough; the more you focus on the perceived shortcomings of those around you, the lower you sink. Soon, you're that judgmental bitch in the corner sniffing dismissively at every poor guy who dared to hope. And before you know it, ten years will have passed and you'll still be in that same seat at the bar. Only this time, you won't be so hot and the new crop of guys will be giving you that dismissive snort. But hey, if you get to that point, look me up. I'll be sitting in my usual seat in that same corner. Like Mr. Elton, I'll be damned if I settle for someone beneath my level.

Kisses,
The Bitch